christmas,nba,new year

It was my very first Christmas Eve without my Parents,since I worked graveyard shift....so I went home immediately after work, greeted and hugged my Mother..I cant imagine spending christmas without them....separation anxiety sinks in...my Parents are the best gift ever...I know they have been wanting us to start a new chapter in our lives, so that means we need to be mature just like anybody else. They have been wanting us to seek a new life without them.

I admit its really hard for me...

another unproductive day

I call it unproductive since I was not able to report to work and was tagged as no call no show status but someone called and saved my ass, they forced me to call sick hotline even if its already 4 hours after my shift.
I woke up thinking..oh here I go again,pondering of the shits that I have done, I really hate this moment, where you wake up,realizing you messed up again, and I do hope they would understand what you`ll feel under the influence of alcohol and I say I was crazy,annoying..just like that. I am uncontrollable.

if only

I cant help it. She is getting prettieerrrr everyday, Its like I wanted to tell her that, its been a long time since we havent talked with each other, cause there is really nothing that we can talk of.
I have been hiding these feelings for quite some time already and I guess i`ll just hold on to these...I mean I wont tell her, or wont tell anyone about this. I guess im fond of hiding secrets, the last time I kept something from myself broke my heart....and thoughts of "If only" phrases kicks in after.

drunken master

I usually talk shit when im drunk. I dont want to be in that state anymore. I thought I sound annoying,very annoying when im drunk, I thought I have been sober since I lost my appetite on drinking booze lately, but after few drinks I got back on track, and even worser, I fell asleep at my friends house and everyone left, leaving me drooling on sofa. Its so humiliating and I`ll never ever do that again. I guess I was just too excited at that time that I drank like theres no tomorrow, I should controlled myself, but everything is too late, and it leaves my a laughing stack when I get back to work, and I hated that, they are never going to forget that, I really regret that shit... But oh well, this is me, being single, being not yet ready for any big responsibilities in life. I felt like I took the wrong path, I could have been better right now, I cant blame anyone but me, this is so stressful, it really kills me. talkin` about the big D!

I dont want to talk to anybody right now, I really lost track....

sleepless

I guess everyone else have experience sleepless nights...and I have been experiencing this ever since, it`s not because I am working mostly on night shift for almost 3 years already, but I have always been this way. I`m a kind of person who could take hours to fall into coma, unless im drunk or tired of course...


I remember back in my college years, I usually play hardcore or heavy metal stuff on cd player to knock me out...and I dont know why,normally it is very disturbing sound to others, but for me it`s my habit so I can go to sleep faster...Maybe it has something to do with my control center, because at the end of the day I used to think of all the stuffs I have been through..to what could I have done something or what not...and upon hearing those heavy noise I tend to forget something that I should not think of..but im definitely normal...I guess a lot of people have other techniques on how to sleep easily....

Few years back,about 3 years ago, I have discovered a magic pill, not harmless or something, it`s like food or drug supplement that can induce sleepiness. Melatonin it`s a drug that you might think it`s dangerous if you heard it for the first time, I tried it once and got addicted, I found out one of my Grandmother is taking that pill and cursed not to take it anymore, because she usually experience "Sleep walk" after taking the pill...and I say I need to have that drug...which I did and it kinda help me a lot. I was able to sleep normally...

They say a glass of warm milk before going to sleep can help, and I say a case of beer can help too..

Movies

How do you like to watch movies?...I like to watch movies alone, I enjoyed watching films during wee hours in the morning so no one will ever join me while internalizing the flick im fantasizing....

And why I wanted to be alone? so I can cry my heart out when Im watching heavy drama, or just simple romance-comedy movies `coz I know in the end there will be heart warming realization that, that masterpiece was not only made to make us laugh but to make us better person as well.

Life is like a Movie, you can create or direct your story whatever you wanted it to be, you can drag an actor whoever you wanted to portray it...and Ladies and Gentlemen, the meaning of Life is endless.

Lately I have been watching all sorts of movies, but mostly I enjoyed watching not-so popular movies, since I wanted to discover why they created and turned out not to be so blockbuster type of scoring, There are a lot of ways of searching for those kinds of stuff. I used to read wikipedia, check for my favorite artist, browse their movies and click their supporting roles, because mostly supporting actors for me are the best actors...and never forget...the original sound track, and I dont get it these days, sound tracks in trailers are mostly not found on OST list of the movie... and I believe they should include it, those music were one of the reason why they like the trailer and will be ending up searching or downloading for that movie...right?

One of the best movie I have ever seen was...hmmmm...I guess this would take time to some movie freak if you ask this question...but if you would ask me..it would be Forrest Gump....yep. its one of the best for me....its all in one in pack, action,drama,comedy,romance.

Whats your favorite Movie?

Oooops!

Facepalm...er foreheadpalm...ya know wat i mean.....ooooops... i almost forgot bloggin` this October...its better late than never.After observing for few weeks, I think I really have decided she`s never gonna like me...She obviously ignores me...though I have some ways to let her notice me still She aint gonna buy my shit, but im not really closing my doors though, but things went wrong these past few weeks. We barely talk with each other, (i mean we never!)I still dont have the guts to talk to her and tell her something,and why should we talk?right?...but I have noticed She is really getting prettier everyday...I always update her whenever she is around. and when I say update, that is watching her without watching me....

Lets pause for a while for our dearly departed....

till next time folks

not again

Ok..so i have decided that I just have to play is simple, er not to take it too seriously, since I have been this way for months now, I mean I have been dreeeeaming or being in the state of illusion that She knows seriously or deeply what i feel for Her, and until now, I do still like Her, but the problem is, after knowing She does not want to be courted I decided to stop it. since I respect Her and it could be annoying if I pursue it, right..

So...its just a waiting game, and its not that im waiting in vain, I`ll have to let things happen, if hopefully she`ll like me too as being me so it would be really awesome. I`ve tried to pretend to things that im not, but its really not proper, and yeah "just be yerself" <--ahh an old school quote and very applicable to any instances.

If given a chance...i can ask her personally if she wanted me to accompany her while waiting for her jeepney to arrive, but its really difficult, its so hard, i think i need to be drunk or a bit tipsy to have the guts to tell her this.

Ok.....so if I really like her, I can definitely wait for her after shift since she mostly go home late and do those things, well hell yeah i`ve thinking about it a million of times.but I cant its just that easy.I still dont have the guts though....maybe next time

P.S. Love to squeeze yer bubbly cheeks!

let`s move on!

Move on. A phrase, two words.... Easy to tell someone about this since yer not putting yerself in their shoes... as the famous Professor/Internet Action Star Mr. Ramon Bautista quoted "if cant move on,move on some more"

He has a point, why should you suffer in the same state when you can climb the next level....the thing is..moving on is not that easy especially when you`ve been thinking about someone almost everyday,just like in my case.. make this another confession of mine, i really have been thinking about her everyday ever since..so true. so this is why i find it so hard to master this moving on skills...sometimes I wished I never knew her, but past is past. <---this sucks

There are a lot of things I learned after my tragic relationship, I cant count them...but one thing for sure those were one of Gods`blessings to me...

....FREE....

I definitely do not know what should I blog today, I just feel like filling up my blog section....ok, how about what happened this week?or about Her.

Its been a roller coaster week for me, first...i`ve been suffering from flu and persistent cough...i stopped smoking for about 3 days, yes 3 days, awesome right?its because i cant breathe...and now im finally back to normal...and this is so not right.but il definitely try to taper off, like what most Doctors advised..smoke smoke smoke

And speaking of Her..yeah Her...why do i find it so hard to smile back at her...and i feel like that there`s already a gap between her and me...i dunno, maybe its only me feeling this way.I cant even talk to her straight or what...the inferiority complex always takes place. I feel like she`s not gonna take me seriously after all. How can be so sure?how pessimist i am... but i guess im already contented seeing her almost everyday, even if i don`t get to talk to her just her mere presence would definitely make my day.

Am I that desperate?...no im not, I finally have decided not to court her..why?... I have not fixed myself yet.Im under construction....i feel like there are a lot obstacles waiting for me, i should prove myself that i can handle everything and of with His help of course.

Its not that I dont like her anymore, nothing has changed of the way I feel for Her I guess, but I have to stop and think of myself first before venturing others lives...She is still the same pretty, charming and getting beautiful everyday...

remembering 9/11

That was 10 years ago when we thought the world is going to end, After watching the devastating events on television I thought it would be just easy for some terrorist to tear Philippines apart.

I was in 3rd year high school then, everything was not yet clear for me before, All I ever wanted is to have my own cellphone, I remember cellphones last 10 years ago was rare especially for high school kids, not like today everyone has it....and I got my cellphone two months after for my birthday, its worth the wait.

And I remember jamming sessions after classes. and 10 years ago that was the time i felt what they call "Love"....now cheers for celebrating a decade of craziness!!!!!!!

The Big "D"

I took some few test online, and mostly the results were "mild depression", and im scared i might fall into severe depression. but my answers were not accurate, I just answered it based on my observation...

I dont know why I suffer these things, They may think im a happy person, but deep inside I know Im not, at the end of the day I always think of things that I should not be thinking of. And this really sucks.I feel like I absorb all the negative energies around, but i can definitely still perform my activities of daily living.but the fact that I cant hardly move on from the things that I normally do,makes me sick and hopeless.

Back when I was a child I always cry when my mother is out of my sight, and thats another thing...separation anxiety, I was raised being with my Family in my entire life, I have never experienced living without them everyday...I was not trained to live with out them, but we were not pampered that much, its like at this age, we still woke up eat breakfast,wore our clothes without breaking any sweat..i mean we washed our clothes,clean our room,do household stuff whenever we wanted to be...like no pressure at all...thats why i`ve been thinking its so hard for me to be separated with my old folks, they have been with me all through out...They have been my provider,they showed me unconditional love,emotionally and spiritually they were both fantastic, especially my Mother, who taught me how to be strong amidst adversities, my Father my great adviser, though He was one of my influence why I got hooked with smoking and alcohol but still I look up to him as my pillar in life....

I have been planning to work away from them, I want to work within the country for a start, where I have to wash my clothes for myself, cook or buy food out of my pocket... because honestly as much as I wanted to be responsible at home, I really cant...everything is always easy as 1,2,3..

Falling.Away from sanity

Yep....i have to...no, i mean i have to keep distance, She is surrounded by a lot of boys mostly, its because of her charm and wit, and its so irresistible .... I cant keep my eyes staring at her at times...and her voice, every time I hear it...it makes my heart lubdublubdublublubdub.eeeeee...this is such a high school feeling right?... this is my second time around to feel this...and why I was not used to this before?... I got hooked up with one girl before, and we have been together for such a long time. but screw my Ex she somehow broke my dreams when we broke up..may she burn in burning lava....and now back to this Lady..i decided to call her Lady since she is not that girly type anymore, well..for the past few days while looking at her I feel like she wont notice me anymore, since she is busy entertaining a lot of my fellow constituents..I should not feel this way...honestly there is a bit of jealousy from my side here...I wanted to catch her attention always where she will notice me even just for a second..but damn, i dont even find a way to talk to her or what...but as of the moment I`m really enjoying of what im doing..ninja move technique, I can definitely stand up and see you from afar without seeing me, and with that...im already contented of what im doing..but this is madness..and I want to stop this, I`ve already crossed the line. I feel like this is not normal anymore, but what can I do, she cant be erase on my mind anymore....

But Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to remind you that I am still sane.

I am normal, and this is Love....

new blues for a new day

Seein` you back on the floor made my heart jump out of its place.... and its an unexplainable feeling, well, just recently I lost my motivation on going to work, I had a feeling that you were not coming back anymore...but I realized though that you just cant escape yer responsibilities that easy...and feeling just a feeling when you are just around makes my heart jump up and down..I dont care if you ever noticed me or not, I know you`re just right behind my back, but I feel like you`re a bit closer, I always look back if I can see you back there, and there you were not turning yer back at me, and yeah...i almost forgot yer new hair cut...you look prettier and that is not a joke...I wanna tell you.."hey I like your HAIR"...

I`m not yet over you, am I?....I have decided not to continue of whatever feelings I have for you since there is slim chance for me having you, or for you liking me, since im not a typical boy next door who everyone wanted for...im not attractive,and i can even be more boring if you think you`re boring, but for now, since im still having butterflies in my stomach every time I see you...i guess I`ll just have to enjoy this feeling...but eventually this wont last, and I know that for sure, so im still enjoying every moment of it.. and I wonder...

do a butterfly feel butterflies in their stomach when they are in love?...

I`m only sleeping

Another dark and gloomy afternoon, i woke up since my bladder was about to burst, im about to sleep back, but i cant, i did tried to compose my mind, thinking of good things that would lead me back to my limbo, and then you crossed my mind, oh yeah....i have sleeping problems, i noticed it back when i was in grade school...it would take me at least 1-2 hours to sleep, thats why im always late in school.I always enjoyed late night shows, like documentaries and stuffs, and was not trained properly to go to sleep early back then.Good thing internet was not yet available in our household before or else...you know what i mean....

FAIL

Hehehe..this is the word i`ve been pondering for the past few days...and there is no way for me to be in a relationship right now...I cant even wash or iron my clothes, and why should I settle for someone else if I cant handle my daily responsibilities....and it should always start with myself..

I must learn how to live life independently,learn to say NO to things I usually, normally do, like drinking beer like there`s no tomorrow,smoking cancer sticks whenever I wanted...I know these are a big "Turn off" for other girls....

After ending my tragic relationship 3 years ago, I started doing things that does not really impress girls, I worked my ass off so i will be able to buy booze that would satisfy my high level intake of intoxication....and after doing these things I stop for a while and think that I made a mistake, regret all the things that I`ve done..and after few days or weeks will past, i normally go back to my usual habit of cigarettes and alcohol, and will be wasted after, ponder again of the shits that I made...so its like a cycle...and they say life is a cycle right?...

And it came to a point where I got sick of all these stuffs, its maybe because im not getting any younger anymore, and my vital organs are screaming to stop it. but luckily they are still doing fine, my kidneys may have complained before, but now he is back on track,my lungs are used to this thick black cancerous nick!.my liver is very cooperative, and i`d like to thank them for being with me all through out, but I know they wont be long if I slowly kill them with alcohol and nicotine..

Well, hopefully I wont be doing those things before, I have to renovate myself first before getting into a relationship.

FAIL?...not

faster.....ouch!

Got too excited,I rushed things up...and now I suffer the consequences,but for me, I made the right choice,since I really dont know if she`s taken or not, So I asked her, but the thing is after knowing she not taken, or NBSB, I got too excited I asked her immediately if I can be an applicant, and asked if what requirements she needs, She replied her Granny does not want to be in a realtionship yet.I wanted what she meant about that one..Am I turned down or something?or I rushed her up, cause I waited no time or did not gave a chance for her to know me or vice versa. but im not closing my doors or what...its not that I dont have any chance or what...I might be too coarse I admit after knowing shes available...It was really a bad start...some say I dont have any chance or I should stop of what Im doing cause its not going to happen after what I did, yeah maybe they are right, and someone told me that I should never ever expect...which I did...but I can say I felt a bit hurt or slightly bitter when I knew I cant court her....OUCH!

Anxiety

It`s the new single from Angels and Airwaves (AVA) LOVE 2 album, im so excited for this upcoming album, I hope Mr. Tom Delonge will be kind enough to offer his new craft for free again just like their previous album...

Anyways,AVA never failed to amaze me when they come out with something new,for me, AVA is one of the greatest band ever formed in this generation, and big thanks to Tom Delonge, i guess he is the heart and soul of the band, He composed most of the songs, and he has a brilliant idea of mixing other genres and stuffs.

I wonder what "anxiety" AVA single meant...here are the lyrics

Anxiety, don't pressure us

Faster, I dream in speeds of ashes
My heart it beats and crashes
I'm running from the truth
Cause it fucks with my mind

Waiting, we're silly, we're so reckless
The city it's so heartless
A bottle full of crde
Now washed up in the tide

Don't pressure us, anxiety
I'm a passenger
So serious, anxiety
Just a passenger

Handsome and calloused, young believers
Hiding, plotting schemers
And rotting out like fruit
Now what's left here to die?

Talking, waited after hours
Time is bending outward
I'm falling to my knees
To fall whole safe inside

Don't pressure us, anxiety
I'm a passenger
So dangerous, anxiety
Just a passenger

I just got hooked up with this song, and il be singing this song for a week for sure...The melody itself is so inspiring and thats what AVA makes special above among others.

Thanks Tom,Jamie,Atom and Matt...after you hallucinate us, now its time for us to be anxious...

STOP!think and....

I need to back out,or stay away maybe, but I havent told her anything yet...there`s something that pulls me down or stops me from telling her,and I dont know what it is...im afraid of failing maybe..since I have not experienced being dumped by a girl before,.im so stupid coz after all I was not able to tell her what i was feeling for her,and she has really no idea about it..and it sucks coz its so awkward coz noone ever noticed it...and if they will, they wont believe or understand a bit...because they might think its really impossible for me to fall for her after all those time...but fuck yeah!I like her and slowly falling for her...but right now i`ve been thinkin` that i have to slowly inch away from this madness... its because I really suck at these things, I dont have the confidence to tell her exactly how I feel,I tried to...but it end up like it was a joke or something which she misinterpreted what im about to tell her...damn!

music and lyrics

I really dont know what type of music im in to....it really depends on my mood and as of now im currently listening to no so opm-ish bands,like Kjwan and Up Dharma Down.

Those band sounds like so foreign material, but its nice they do have Tagalog songs, and those songs were superb. There are times that I dig new wave songs, and Sir Robert Smith of The Cure is one my influences. I can also listen to Angels and Airwaves all day,all weekend, all of Angels and Airwaves tracks are not of waste. I think its really up to every ones mood when it comes to music.

Love songs are good help when you are in the state of what they called "Love", and speaking of Love, I havent felt this thing for quite a while. Im not forcing myself to be in that state, and I believe it will just come.

13 seconds to love

Actually it took me couple of months to realize that I was falling for her. She was not the apple of my eye,of everyone`s eye maybe..she was just plain and simple, and later on I just realized I was thinking about her all the time,its not that I just woke up and then suddenly I like her, so I guess this is not a joke or any infatuation.

There are a lot of things that kept on bothering me on why I should not tell her that I like her:

1. It may break our friendship
2. I wont be able to ask her for help when I needed one
3. I`m afraid I wont be able to see her smiling when she knows I`m around
4. She may start avoid going out with our common friends
5. I`m afraid she will just laugh at me and dump me
6. I`m afraid she may not like me and does not like me at all

Those were just few reasons that I can think of for now.

But its all about timing,its all about telling her everything when everything is settled,I guess i`m not just ready right now since I just met her for a couple of months and I dont want to end any connections or brief moments with her, but I have to take the risk, because I know that I`ll just end up bleeding when everything is too late.

P.S. ---> I dont have any idea if she`s single or taken.

not ready...

I realized and been thinkin`.... im not ready for anything..Im not ready for changes,im not ready for a relationship..Am I or am I not?

To: You know Who

Seeing you being so busy all the time makes me think where will i insert my self in your busy life...but Hey I can wait for you after shift, I you want a coffee or chat Im game...I thought you knew why I accompanied you while waiting for your jeep last time, and thank God for the rain I have enough reasons when you asked me why I did not go ahead and went home..but that was a really bad timing.I was half drunk at that time, but I went home smiling though.. ^.^ coz I wasnt really expecting that I will see you that morning.till next time...I hope there will be.

Nowhere to go...

At this point in time I`ve been thinking what kind of life I would like to live in.

It seems like I have everything,and its all up to me on how to live with it.I admit I feel depress all the time, seeing all my friends working with their busy lives, I know I can be busy,I can definitely find other ways to make myself busy with something else, but I dont know why I chose to be like this....like waking up and think for a couple of times if I want to work or not and this make me sick...I guess I need inspiration,but I do have my Family to think of..I have a wonderful Mother which I need to think and thank of,of all the things and sacrifices she went to provide everything for me...I can always think of my Father who stood by my Mother through rough times,and of course I can always think of God Almighty for this wonderful life He gave...I think they are all enough reasons to stand up and enjoy life the way it should be...but why is it that I cant think of all those reasons everyday?...it is really true that I need to have a very close relationship with God,because I believe He will lead me to the right path.

It all boils down to something else,I think I need another inspiration,another motivation.it can be someone else...but if it is...why is it I havent found her yet?but i can definitely wait.but im not the type of guy who can tell.."Hey I like you"...but when will I learn..when will I have the balls to tell her...

For the past few months I met this Lady,which did not catch my attention at all, she was just plainly a simple typical respected woman,maybe its because shes older than me, and for some other reasons i cannot explain any further what is my connection with her or how we met...sshhh..they might find out..but she`s really a good soul I can say...I think no one else has angst or grudge against her...and for the past few weeks I realize I like her.Shes not that pretty, but she is beautiful in my eyes...AW!...I like on how she deals with people...I like the way she laughs and pissed off...because I cant really tell if shes mad or not...and I have been thinking about her all the time...and i can tell she has really no idea what I am feeling about her....How will I be able to let her know...I hope I will get to know her better...

And this concludes....does my heart beats again?....

Thank you!

Its been a great week for me...even though I missed attending the mass last Sunday..but I will be attending this Sunday for sure

I`m very thankful that everything went well for me...I dont know why but I felt different this week...actually nothing really happened or any big event came up...Its just that I was expecting that bad things will happen since I wasnt able to attend mass last Sunday, because it has always been a heavy week for me if I havent spent my time on Him...

We should realize that if we missed something we should let Him know we clearly regret it.....

......another lazy Sunday...

I realize my whole week will be full of shit if i havent started it right...

• I intentionally missed Sunday Mass
• I did not shave my mustache/haircut
• I was drunk all day.Sunday 3am-12pm (i always see to it that I should be drunk even just for a day in a week)
• I did not clean my room,not even changing my blanket
• I downloaded 2 gb porn. (so heavy)

So good luck....I hope everything goes well this week,and if not well I promise....

1. to attend mass on Sunday
2. haircut
3. reduce alcohol intake
4. general cleaning
5. download atleast1 gb porn

P.S.

I bought pizza for my Mother`s Birthday

have you?

have you ever felt like...you have to tell the person.."heyI'm what you need.. but he's what you want, no, not me"...funny huh?.and a bit painful i guess..but yeah...we always feel that way...if we love or like someone and she`s already with someone else`s arms....sometimes we feel that we can be everything they wanted errr needed...its like we feel we`re too mature and good in relationship...but its not...we all do have some flaws and shit..but the good thing is we are confident enough to let the person know that we are the right one and not them...

Get Your Own Free Hypster.com Playlist.

Thank you Ebe!Thank you Sugarfree!

Dear Ebe,

I would like to thank you for sharing your music and passion, for the past 11 years of making music you will surely be missed by us. We will miss your high pitched voice, your powerful lyrics and melody that made you unique from other bands will be always remembered. This is one of the saddest stories I have heard this 2011. We all know that you will be going solo, but your tracks with Jal,Mitch and Kaka will be forever different. Definitely all the good things must come to an end, I dont know why I felt differently after hearing the news that Sugarfree will disband this coming February, maybe its because your songs are close to my heart that i needed it whenever i am apart from my usual self, hehehe, maybe its because your songs helped me moved on from my past relationship, its because your Tala-arawan album was the very last gift I received from my ex-girlfriend. maybe it because your songs surely came from your heart. I knew you were already burnt-out after reading your prologue in Tala-arawan, but you needed a space back then after all the fame and success. But this time I believe your decision is final you needed to be apart from what you were used to. If you were to ask me what was my favorite album among the 4... It would have to be Tala-arawan.aside from the package the songs were very emotional, you will definitely feel bliss after breaking up with your girlfriend...I could listen to your songs all day, and preferably when it is raining....(best time to hear Sugarfree: rainy gloomy afternoon while having coffee and smoking Marlboro)..

Thank you Ebe, Jal, Kaka and Mitch.Thank you Sugarfree

p.s. I will do my best to watch your last gig in Ilo-ilo.